Blog | Empathy Office

There’s a southern saying that goes, “you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig”. Or loosely translated: you can make superficial changes to fix the symptoms, but it won’t fix the cause or the root of the problem.

What Does Lipstick and Pigs Have to do With Empathy?

There’s a southern saying that goes, “you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig”. Or loosely translated: you can make superficial changes to fix the symptoms, but it won’t fix the cause or the root of the problem. More often than not, brands that find themselves struggling to connect with their customers or carve out a significant path for themselves have, at their core, a people problem. Is it also a messaging problem? Or a design problem? Yes and yes, but both are symptoms of an internal problem that stems from a cultural cause. It’s a lack of identifying with and understanding who your customer is and what they want - but it’s your people and your company’s culture that shapes that identity and that wants to understand. 

Put simply, the culture you foster internally will be reflected in the image you present publicly. Win at all costs and every person for themselves might net you short term gains and talented people, but they won’t stick around for long, and it won’t foster trust, loyalty or innovation. Study after study shows us that creating a work environment that values employees as people, gives them autonomy, and even allows them to fail (within reason, of course) produces long-term success and productivity. In other words, leading with empathy produces empathy. 

This doesn’t mean a conflict-free, kumbaya, Stepford-like work place where no one ever says what they mean, and nothing ever gets resolved. It does mean differing opinions and ideas are shared in constructive ways, without criticism becoming destructive or personal. Constructive conflict allows for criticism in ways that foster growth and evolution, instead of resentment and fear. This is where you can allow your people the room to “fail”: by creating an environment where they can share a dumb or naive idea and not feel dumb or naive - or that the resulting criticism is a personal attack. 

Let’s sum it up like this: empathic brands can’t be led by unempathetic people, and you can’t put people first if you don’t put your people first.  It starts at the top; always has, always will. You can launch the new brand, debut the new site, and pay lots of money for trust fall situations in the smokey blues, but as Nana always said, “when the ice melts, the shit shows”.

1.  Show your appreciation for both a job well done and just in general. 

2. Understand that the people you work with are people with off days and bad moods. In other words, allow them to be human. 

3. Encourage a healthy work/life balance when possible. 

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Empathy on a personal level based on others emotions

The New Golden Rule

“You’ll find someone when you stop looking”; “Never give up”; “It’s the thought that counts”. By now, many of us have figured out that a significant portion of the common advice and so-called principles that gets dolled out, while well meaning, are 

Everything You’ve Been Told is Bullshit: Showing Up isn’t 1/2 the Battle

“You’ll find someone when you stop looking”;“Never give up”;“It’s the thought that counts”. By now, many of us have figured out that a significant portion of the common advice and so-called principles that gets dolled out, while well meaning, are mostly empty platitudes, overused tropes, and oftentimes just plain wrong. Of them,“showing up is half the battle” is one of the worst offenders. 

Showing up is really 1/4 of the battle. Showing up is the baseline; it’s the bare minimum that literally anyone can do. Now, don’t get me wrong - showing up is something, but it’s a first step. Once you’re there, you have to take essential steps to ensure progress. 

1/4 is being willing to see things as they are. We all have our biases that can lead us to project onto a client, brand, or situation, but the key is recognizing them, and not letting them cloud our judgment. Just as you have act within the confines of your actual marketing budget or your current team, understanding limitations and setting realistic goals is essential to setting yourself up for success. You can aim to grow and change (and must do so), but you have to be able to start from a place of abject reality. 

1/4 is asking hard questions and listening to the answers. And undoubtedly synergistic with seeing things as they are. If you’re unwilling to see things within the confines of reality, you can neither ask the right questions, nor hear the real answers. Separately, it also means that you be willing to get invested enough to understand what you don’t know in order to identify what you need to ask - and set aside your own beliefs to really listen to the answers. 

1/4 is doing the work. You can’t do what you need to do without knowing what you need to know. So while doing the work may seem like the most important part of the battle, it’s really an equal part of the whole. But hey, you’re here. That’s 1/4 of the battle. 

1.  See things as they are by making a list of fact-based knowns, and go from there. 

2. Ask people - everyone from experts to laymen -  what they would ask in your position.

3. Cycle through each of these four parts regularly - this isn't a one time thing.

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We live in the most hyper-connected time in human history. But while the reach of our collective connectedness is instant, going further than ever before, our urge to connect is far from revolutionary.

Of course, the varied and often many-splendored connections we make exist (ideally) on different depth levels; from the dude we make small-talk with on our morning train, all the way through to our significant others. But all connection is synergistic with empathy. We, of course, determine the level with which we will invest and empathize with these individual connections, but if we can’t empathise, we can’t truly connect. Take away the commonality of a shared experience, and connecting still requires understanding and acceptance - in other words, empathy.

We live in the most hyper-connected time in human history. But while the reach of our collective connectedness is instant, going further than ever before, our urge to connect is far from revolutionary. From misery loving company to folie à deux, we’re hard-wired to seek connections with each other, and one of the easiest and most available ways to connect is through shared experiences. When we learn that someone else has been through what we have, we feel validated, understood, and safe, We can share without the fear of being judged or shamed. And thus, a tangible connection is formed.

Your customer’s connection with your brand is what forms the basis of conversion and loyalty. To feel connected, they need to feel valued and heard. Whether you’re sharing their struggles as an overwhelmed mom or giving them permission to splurge on a luxury upgrade, successful brands immerse their customers in ways that validate who they are, and better their lives in both small or large ways. 

1.  Find small, but authentic, ways to validate your customer's experience 

2. Can your customer literally connect with you easily and swiftly (i.e. via social media)? 

3. Can they communicate their needs in a way that makes them feel heard?

4. Listen and respond to their needs and feedback in meaningful ways

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In your misspent youth, you may have had a friend/cousin/old college roommate whowasthe theatre. If so, chances are you’ve heard of a technique called method acting.

In your misspent youth, you may have had a friend/cousin/old college roommate who was the theatre. If so, chances are you’ve heard of a technique called method acting. If you haven’t, it’s a training practice in which an actor emotionally identifies and sincerely connects with a character on a deep and profound level (think De Niro in Taxi Driver or literally any Daniel Day Lewis performance).

In your misspent youth, you may have had a friend/cousin/old college roommate who was the theatre. If so, chances are you’ve heard of a technique called method acting. If you haven’t, it’s a training practice in which an actor emotionally identifies and sincerely connects with a character on a deep and profound level (think De Niro in Taxi Driver or literally any Daniel Day Lewis performance). Many actors will even wholly assume the identity of their character during the course of a performance, hoping to blur the line between where they end and their character begins, and achieve true authenticity. 

Putting yourself in the seat of your customer to understand the context in which they will use your product or service - that is, their motivations; their circumstances; their aspirations - is critical to connecting with them, and in turn, they with your brand. In other words, just as an actor might become their character, you must become your customer to really learn who they are and how they live their lives. By understanding what they actually value - not just what they’ll buy - their perception of you will be that of a brand who not only “gets them”, but one who isn’t just trying to sell them something. 

Speaking of college, a professor of mine once said that the worst question a brand can answer is one no one is asking. Your brand should fill a need - or better yet, anticipate the needs of your customer. We call this innovation work. Future proofing your brand or innovating based on what is relevant to your customer today, and tomorrow. Validate them and their lives, and enhance their own “personal brand” through their association with you, and you’ll earn their loyalty and fierce devotion. We talk a lot about customer obsession, but it starts with understanding. Who they are, what they want from you, what they would change or add if they could, and how they need to be met time and time again. For us, understanding is the first step of empathy - right after “hello”. 

1.  Become your customer. Talk to friends, neighbors, and family members about what they want from your brand, and why and how they interact with it at all levels.

2. Read the complaints - they'll give you valuable information about what problems your customers are facing and how you can solve future problems.

3. Take a method acting class. You'll learn tools and tricks to further understand your customer. If nothing else, you'll have a fun evening

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Ever since Narcissus was really feeling himself and went for a little swim, we’ve had a confusing relationship with the ego. Too much is frowned upon, while too little is likewise unhealthy.

Ergo, Ego and Rose-Colored Thoughts of Grandeur 

Living and breathing your brand - every decision you make and action you take - requires you to put aside your ego (both kinds), and understand your customer as wholly individual, real-life humans, with an entirely different reality than your own. It requires active engagement: studying them, listening to them, and understanding how your brand interacts with them as they are, or gets them to who they aim to be.  When you create professionally, you walk a fine line between self-expression, or what you like, and that of the end user. In other words, letting go of the instinct to project ourselves onto our work forces us to create from a place of empathy. 

Ever since Narcissus was really feeling himself and went for a little swim, we’ve had a confusing relationship with the ego. Too much is frowned upon, while too little is likewise unhealthy. But we’re not really talking about that kind of ego. Going out on a limb, many of us probably don’t have the kind of arrogance that rivals our aforementioned greek friend - but we all have an ego. The ego we’re talking about is your sense of self, your identity, your “you”. 

Ego and empathy are often rivaling factors, not just because an overinflated sense of self (that kind of ego) is like seeing yourself through a powerful pair of rose-colored glasses - that is, unable to see yourself as anything else but the hero of your own story - and leaves little room for understanding that the world doesn’t revolve around you, but also because empathy is by its nature, is one step removed from our selves. It means setting aside our self - our own experiences, motivations, and reactions (the other ego), and recognizing the experiences, motivations, and reactions of others as different beings. It means taking off the rose-colored glasses we all wear (some more darkly-tinted than others) and seeing ourselves, the world around us, and our relationship with it, clearly. It’s not walking in their shoes, but understanding the path they take is different than your own. 

The thing about rose-colored glasses is that they don't just skew your vision of yourself, they distort your ability to view reality, situations, and relationships - because those tined lenses make red flags just look like flags. Living and breathing your brand - every decision you make and action you take - requires you to put aside your ego (both kinds), and understand your customer as wholly individual, real-life humans, with an entirely different reality than your own. It requires active engagement: studying them, listening to them, and understanding how your brand interacts with them as they are, or gets them to who they aim to be. When you create professionally, you walk a fine line between self-expression, or what you like, and that of the end user. In other words, letting go of the instinct to project ourselves onto our work forces us to create from a place of empathy. 

Our culture of social sharing (and egocentrism) means there’s more opportunities than ever to study your potential customers - or at least how they want to be seen and understood. Hell, if he were alive today, our old friend Narcissus would be well, dry, and likely a top-tier influencer. 

1.  Take your preferences and needs out of the equation.

2. Jump into your customer's lives. Watch what they watch; browse what they browse.

3. Passion is important, but take care not to turn it into projection by reminding yourself of the differences between yourself and your customer.

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Ever wondered why fairy tales and legends have remained relevant for centuries? Putting aside their sometimes unattainable and unrealistic standards of happily ever after, it’s because despite hundreds of years, vastly different cultures,

Storytelling connects us to each other in ways almost nothing else does. From losing ourselves in a book to being moved to tears by a movie, we regularly find ourselves fiercely identifying with characters and their journey, while also being exposed to situations, struggles, and motivations we’ve never personally experienced before. We share our morals, values, and purpose through storytelling because it evokes an emotional response that makes a lasting impression.

Ever wondered why fairy tales and legends have remained relevant for centuries? Putting aside their sometimes unattainable and unrealistic standards of happily ever after, it’s because despite hundreds of years, vastly different cultures, and ever-changing societies, we all as humans basically want the same things. And we’re inherently drawn towards sharing these common struggles, lessons, values, and victories in easily digestible form. In fact, scientists say that the human brain is wired to process stories rather than logic. That is, our brains can recognize logic puzzles in a story more so than they can when independently presented. 

As a brand, your story defines your purpose. It’s your reason for being, and what will connect with your customer. It’s not enough that you have a great product or service; they need to root for you. The story you tell needs to form the bonds of shared identity with your customer. 

1. What does choosing your brand say about your customer? 

2. How is their story shaped with yours? 

3. How does the story you tell add meaning to their lives?   

4. Does your story inspire your customer to become participants in it? 

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What we’re proposing is a new Golden Rule: do unto others as they want to be treated. In other words, your actions, as they relate to others, should reflect an understanding that everyone has different experiences, likes, and dislikes.

You probably don’t remember the very first time you heard “The Golden Rule”, but suffice it to say, it’s likely crayons and blocks were a major feature, and praise for making it to the restroom was a not-so-distant memory. It also likely marked the beginning of a life-long journey with empathy; our first lesson that our actions effect others, and that a world existed outside of our wants, desires and feelings. 

Placing yourself in the shoes of another to truly gain an understanding of them and their feelings lies at the heart of empathy. And The Golden Rule - doing to others what you would have them do to you - at its heart, is a valuable lesson. It forces us to act with a modicum of understanding as it relates to others. But it’s also inherently selfish. It presumes you as the arbiter of the wants and feelings of other people, based entirely on what you would want, or how you would feel. It doesn’t take into account the unique experiences and preferences that everyone has as individuals - that they may not like or want what you like, or accept what’s acceptable to you. 

In other words, just because I love surprises doesn’t mean you will surely love a surprise party. 

Ahh, but my heart was in the right place; of course I didn’t intend to make you uncomfortable. Neither of which, of course, negates your consequences from my actions. 

There’s an infamous episode of The Simpsons in which, for her birthday, Homer buys Marge a bowling ball. Never mind that she doesn’t bowl. Or that he engraved his own name on the ball. Now, it’s perhaps an extreme example, but it paints an easy to understand picture of The Golden Rule gone wrong. Had Homer come from a place of empathy when choosing Marge’s birthday gift, and not done what he would want done to him, their ensuing marital problems could’ve been avoided entirely. 

What we’re proposing is a new Golden Rule: do unto others as they want to be treated. In other words, your actions, as they relate to others, should reflect an understanding that everyone has different experiences, likes, and dislikes. It means respecting boundaries, even, and especially when they’re narrower than your own. And if you don’t know how they want to be treated? Ask. The mere question itself propels an empathic connection beyond what many are aware enough to make. This, of course, doesn’t mean totally abandoning the old rule. Treat it instead as a bare minimum benchmark of acceptable interaction with the world around you. 

1. You must stop and ask yourself, "Do I really know what the person would want in this situation?"

2. If so, is it actionable? Can you do it now? 

3. If not, are you able to ask what they want? And if so, how do you best go about asking them? 

4. How does what they want align with what you want?  And if it doesn't, what can you learn about this person to gain a more global understanding? 

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The New Golden Rule

Matty Ayers

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